Extremely Unclear.

there is really nothing to say.

These past hours have been really revealing and highly influenced.

my emotions have been on haywire. Not entirely sure how to spell haywire.
Stress levels are at an all time high.

I hate it when i have high anxiety. I can never breathe.

Anyways, it is 12:44 am im extremely awake which pisses me off even more. There is nothing to do right now. Except think maybe…and watch television. But television is overrated lately. I cleaned my room some. Rearranged things. Home alone is pretty cool. No parents. They should thank me that im good and didnt do anything. Ha, just kidding. They are only gone two days. Nothing really to do, or anything worth risking either.

Examining human behavior is really interesting. Basic human instincts are still intact to this day, especially when it comes to guys. Well maybe its just more adamant because im a girl. Maybe girls instincts are more intact. Either way, just looking at the human race at a whole, its still very much like basic human instincts in the Cromagnum dawn days.

There really nothing to say. I dont want to say anything i would possibly regret in the future.

Everything is a cloudy day.

i learned to really hate certain words.
& love others.
Flip it.

The life of An Achiever.

Growing up I was never the smartest kid in my class. I have never been good at getting every answer right on a test, or raising my hand at every question asked in class. School has never been my strong suit, In all actuality still haven’t found my strong suit in life. The things I take great interest in – mostly art related; such as dance or photography – I have never greatly excelled in. I am just not that great at things. I have accepted this fact and have classified myself as an achiever.

To achieve: to get or attain by effort. For the most part, this is true. In life to achieve; or be an ‘achiever’ like myself is sometimes not enough. But being an achiever is not too little. It is contentment. You never get below a C but achieving an A is out the reach at times. People like myself tend to have bits and pieces of minor ADD during class or when trying to study or do homework. It is not that we do not try at all, it is that we do not try more than they are given.

Over achievers are what kill us most. They take what we – simple achievers – are able to do and double it at what seems to be a piece of cake to them. I never quite understand how they are able to do this and to them it is nothing. These over achievers make everybody else feel not worthy. They are that plump ripe red apple on the top of the tree that is always right out of reach for you.

Then there are those under achievers that make you feel like Einstein. They are the ones that instill gratitude in you that your passing the class with a C. You suddenly feel that your that top apple on the tree. With under achievers around, they act as a minor motivation to stay at where you are or perhaps to even do better. They show that your tiny bit of effort may actually be enough. That you do not have to be the best at what your doing, as long as you are able to do it.

I know that I am not the smartest but knowing that I can do what is needed is comforting. I accept the fact that I wont get that executive, new york swanky, 30th floor desk job. I am content with getting the 29th floor. Or even the 28th. It is not that I am too lazy or unmotivated; I know my limits. My priorities as an achiever are different as those under or over achievers. I do not focus my whole life of getting that 5.0 or perfect score on my tests. I also do not focus on the latest party or what gossip is going on around school. I spend my life on a balance beam. Neither school or social take a priority above the other. My family and friends mean just as much to me as my education. I see it as it is not where you end up in life, it is how you get there and who helps you along the way.

Relaxation is key

Ahh* Deep big breath in, deep big breath out.
Finally, the house to myself. I grabbed my laptop, my yellow fleece tie blanket, and put in the Nanny diaries on in living room and plop right onto the couch. I absolutely adore having the house to myself. It gives me room to breathe. I tell you, staying home with everyone at the house all the time kills me. I need my own time i need my own space.
Lately i’ve been feeling very high stressed my family does this to me. We all get on each others nerves. my heart starts racing really fast and i get ALOT of headaches. Thats the holidays for you. Oh well its pretty enjoyable so far.
Hanging out spending my time with my friends has been fun, but this weekend feels like a chill at home watch a ton of movies with my dog weekend. By the way he is snuggling up with me as well.
This blog has no real purpose rather than just me celebrating my rare occasion of getting the house to myself.

The Nanny diaries is a really good movie. I’ve seen it once before in theatre’s and i really enjoyed it. I think i am going to read the book. Oh, thats another thing, i’ve been reading alot lately. From This I believe, which is a philisophical life book to harry potter, my beloved magical series. I have been addicted to reading. Right now it’s half harry potter and half The Feast of Love a story semi analyzing love..

Another addiction is my wii. How i love it. Everyday is guitar hero or wii sports. The games are a tad expensive so i have to do my research before investing in a game. I don’t want to buy something i’m going to hate.

Merry Christmas!

Twas the night before Christmas & all through the house,
All the Creatures were stirring & screaming & shout.
Pretty much theres my house right now. My sister is repeatidly coming in my room asking to borrow stuff, parents in the living watching tv and my dog trying to lick my leg all the time, which I’m not sure why.
As i sit here watching The Polar Express & waiting till Christmas day arrives, i am having a bit of a reflective moment. This year has been very different from what i expected. There has been many broken promises, lies, & deception. There was many days where i wish i could just crawl into a hole and never come out. There was many a day where i just felt defeated and done with life. But throughout all those tears and extremities there was many illuminate days of smiles, laughter, & jubilant’s. My body is filled with warmth when i think about all the happiness i had experienced this year. The many laughs i experienced with so many of my friends. The randomness of hangouts, the new and exciting adventures. Thinking over this year, it has been a good one. As long as i spend my years with the ones i love & who love me back they will be good years.

I wish my family was like those on the screen. Where Uncles & Aunts, Cousins & Grandparents head over to one house and celebrate Christmas together. I want all the disagreements, laughs, and boringness of it all. Even though it is only those who live at my house (Grandpa, Mom, Dad, Sister & Snoopy) We still have a fun moments, especially our disagreements and boringness moments as well. It’s just not… tv or movie style. I already know i got a wii, my sister and i snoop around during christmas time. so wii parties is a must after the holiday season. I never thought of something i really wanted besides my wii this christmas. I feel content with what i have and whatever my parents get me is perfectly fine with me.

My doggy Rosie died on Saturday, 12-22-07. At first when my sister called me i wasn’t that torn up, partially because i was out and i didn’t want to be sad. But as i was just sitting next to my boyfriend i began to tear up thinking about her. I miss that little dog. She had the funniest look, she was a tiny little Cavalier King Charles Spaniel had a extra long tounge so she always had it sticking out of her mouth just hanging there. & her poor little eye was all black cause when she was a puppy she poked it. Even the car ride home i was balling just thinking about her. i miss her so much. She never could jump up on chairs so you’d have to pick her up to put her on one. She never barked or whined, she was always hungry though. I am thankful for the time god gave us with her. I am also thankful her death was a peaceful one, my dad said she didn’t feel anything, i just feel horrible that it was alone, while both me and my sister were gone. Wow, even now this still tears me up. I miss her a lot.

Well everyone God Bless, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, & Happy New Year.
I love you all. Be careful
<3

Tour of SCPA.

Blast to the Past.

I was looking around old entries on my xanga found this one.

It doesn’t really apply as much anymore, but i thought it was well written for me writing it.

To: You.
I am directing this blog to you. For the effort you have been lacking. The sadness you have brought me. This is to you. Have you not notice the repercussions that have arose due to your lack of…well frankly, being here. I feel my efforts being put into fixing this dilemma’s have been shot down. That i have built a one way street and I am tying to build a way back with no help. Separation has been emerging, with or without any effort. This can be changed. All i need from you is your help. A little inkling or effort or attention is all i ask for. I miss the times of sunshine and rainbows. Where happiness came easily.
Is it possible this problem is due because there is an increased emotional dullness. This problem is easily fixed. One thing is needed, Effort. As I said above, effort is what is needed. Laziness needs to be gotten rid of and a little attention and effort put in it’s place.
It’s also very possible that I am the blame to this problem. What if I feel like my effort being put in is enough, but in reality its nearly nothing. I have been guilty of putting a lack of emotion within many things. I build walls, most of the time i am unaware of how thick the walls are or how high i build them. The fact is, i do build these walls. This is something i need to fix.
Some reason i feel strongly about this problem. i feel it is possible to be fix. It is completely understandable that this problem emerges. There is no road that has no pot holes or bumps. Working to fix these little bumps is what makes things last.
I know you will never see this, which is good but putting this down on something, writing it down somehow makes it better. I know i am probably never going to talk to you about this, because i am weak and i cant stand a negative outcome in this.
p.s. i really like you.

spiraling consciousness downward.

Lately the clarity of my life needs some serious defrosting. Priorities are getting rearranged (again), things i took of great interest are seriously lacking my support, all i want to do right now is lay in my bed and sleep the days away. I’m not completely sure the causes of why this is happening. Nevertheless it has left me very unclear in to what i desire and need in my life. It’s really quiet frustrating.
I don’t understand why i am so unsure of things lately. Maybe because adult life is actually coming closer and closer as we speak, or maybe it’s my conscious telling me that i need a change that i need to just shake things off my shoulder of burdens.
Either way, i have just been reassessing my life and the elements surrounding it. I’ve been asking myself pretty vague questions all with the same answer; “I don’t know”. “What do you want to do with your life?”, I don’t know. “Are you sure this is where you want to be right now”, I don’t know. “Are you surrounding yourself with the proper support system”, I don’t know. “Are you messing up your life?” I DON’T KNOW. There’s many more questions, but either way, every answer i give myself is i don’t know. I think its partially because i don’t want to give myself the real answer right now, i don’t think i can accept it. I don’t think I’m ready to accept such big answers in my life.
I know my priorities have changed. Well, not changed persay, more like disappeared, i have no real desire to succeed in anything anymore. I barely have a desire to pass things lately. I’m not sure if it’s just senioritis or if it’s something deeper.

This blog give no answers, it’s just a blog full of i don’t knows, and maybes.

Anyways, I also think it might be me not being able to take things as strongly as i used to, I break down so easily now, its just sad. My walls of strength are crumbling faster and faster, and everytime i try and build them up again it just falls. This is with majority of things in my life, being able to defend myself to my family or friends, to me just being able to handle my life without falling apart.

This blog also reveals that I’m an ugly wreck, sorry about that too.

My dependency level on things has dropped drastically, I’m not completely sure why that has happened with everything. I understand some aspects in my life, but i guess those caused me to drop my dependency on all things. I honestly can’t stand depending on myself this much, i also can’t stand being so introverted and loner-esque for so long. I love being alone at times, but too much of something doesn’t help anything.

I have a bit of paranoia lately, now this i have no idea where it came from. Just tiny paranoia’s nothing crazy like. more like concerns that blossomed into larger things. I have nothing real to elaborate on, probably cause i actually am going to sound crazy

On a bit of lighter, less analytical note, i ran over a tire today on the freeway which caused the underneath of my front end to drag so my dad had to come and rip it off, then he noticed that the front end is dragging too… so its being held up by a bungee cord and if i go too fast on the freeway (60 or above ha) it likes to hit the freeway floor while i drive. So tommorows drive is not going to be too fun, me being worried that the front end might fall off

10 till midnight. Well more like 12. but lets just round. i know i am going to dread waking up tomorrow, but oh well i am not sleepy.

Lazy Sundays

Don’t you just love lazy sundays? i sure do,

i woke up, very uncomfortably out of my little couch/nook thing in my room (i have no idea why i didn’t just sleep in my bed last night), cooked some breakfast, messed up a bread thing but i blame it purely on my the directions because i did as they said and it came out like crap. Oh well, it happens to everyone. I made a nice hot cup of coffee, took the red crocheted blanked my grandma made me years ago and then proceeded to my living room to watch The Chronicles of Narnia, sadly which was the first time i ever watched it. It’s a very good movie by the way. Heeenyway’s, later on in the day my mom, sister, and I went to the Grossmont mall and went to Barnes and Noble (i always thought theres an S at the end of noble’s but there isn’t quiet weird) and got this really good book i’m so looking forward to read which is called, This I Believe the personal philosophies of remarkable men and women. It’s comprised of over 88 short essayists of famous people such as Martha Graham, Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Colin Powell, etc. and their views on what they believe, its really interesting. I also got a new planner for the new year! It’s dorky that i get excited a bout organization, i know. We also went to Bath and Body Works and i got new lotions! that also is oddly exciting to me, i got Cherry Blossom & Sea Island Cotton, which to me smells so clean. After all that we went to blockbuster and i bought Stranger than Fiction, Children of Men, Night at the Museum, & the Nativity story (My moms pick, not mine). Now i’ve just been sitting here on my couch watching movies Oh how i love being lazy, especially on Sundays.

This past week went by reasonably fast thank goodness. I got sick by the middle of the week, i hate going to school while I’m sick, i feel disgusting. Friday i stayed home partly because i was supposed to go on a field trip but i had to be at a different class at one for a presentation which would conflict with the field trip, plus i was sick. So i decided to stay home and then just go to my one class in the afternoon. I hate driving in the rain, you have a very watchful eye. Also, i like chili’s they give you a good amount of food for your dollar. I like that friday when i got home around 6 something 7ish i knocked out until the next morning, guess thats what being sick does to you.

Saturday i cleaned out my whole entire room, and when i say whole entire, i mean my room in its total entirety. haha. I took out everything in my drawers which i hated opening because they were filled to the max with papers from past grades, i sorted everything, threw away so many things, about three big bags full of papers, and organized the drawers. I sorted all my clothes by color, i even added a mini bed couch thing in my room for guests to sit/sleep in. I love it. The funny thing is i finished cleaning my room by 3ish, and my room was messy again by 5ish. When i try and find something to wear i tend to just go crazy and rip out all my clothes, which is what i did this time, i went from outfit to outfit, finally picking the first one i tried out, it would be way more beneficial if i was decisive. After figuring out what to wear i went out to greek (good, cept i had a stupid stomach ache) and the movies, Mr. Magorum’s Wonder Emporium is very good by the way, makes me want to take up piano again, which i probualy will.

College Applications;

Inside Nikita & Ronnell’s Brain Episode 1
Roughish, we’re making improvements
It’ll only get better.

A City Dressed Up.

Yum, my chocolate cake is in the oven right now. I love baking , specially on days like this. I took my laptop out of my room, put it on the counter next to the television in my kitchen and i sat and beat the cake mix . The mix was so smooth when i was done with it. No bubbles at all! I cant wait until it’s done so i can decorate it and eat it and enjoy it with a nice cold glass of milk, watch a heart warming movie, and go to sleep.

I have finally figured out my speech topic, thank you for those who gave me excellent topics but i have decided to do my speech topic on “December in San Diego” I am going to inform my class on places to go to see lights, what musicals and shows are going on in San Diego, where to find ice skating, great restaurants to go to, etc.I think this would be cute, since I am so obsessed with Christmas and the holidays, and especially since it’s December in a couple of days and everyone is going on break pretty soon I know people do not just want to sit around at home watching television the whole entire break, though i love doing that i love going out and seeing San Diego dressed up for the holidays

The future has been running through my head all day. From talking about college applications and how i am glad of my decision to go to community college, i still am disappointed in myself because i couldn’t bring myself to apply and how lost i feel about my future. I’m scared to mess it up, its my life you know? i have to live it until i die . During math a bunch of us were conversing about what our career possibilities are. I have absolutely nothing. Well, not absolutely nothing, but things i want to do are so a pass or fail type careers, i don’t think it’s possible to just support myself at a level that is comfortable if i don’t succeed in the careers. So here are careers i am thinking about:

A.) Owning a Bakery/Cafe that turns into a chill night club at night.

B.) After today, Becoming a Children’s book author “Nikita the Nocturnal Nightingale” Haha.

C.) Relationship/Sex Psychologist (we all know i love to talk about relationships)

D.) Victoria’s Secret Model (like thats happening! hahah just had to put that in there)

Those are some options i want to do, They seem to suit me. well, i think they do. It’s funny when i ask people what they can see me doing they are so random and they also aren’t very financially supportive. here they are:

A.) Flight Attendant

B.) Assistant

C.) Receptionist

I know, they are amazing jobs right? Ha, well those aren’t going to happen. Well, i still have time to figure out things, who knows maybe I’ll spend some time in the peace corps before i even start on working on my major. I have so many ideas on what i want to do, i just have to pick something.

I forgot how much i love Charlie Brown, I’ve been sitting here watching it, i used to be obsessed with it, watch it every weekend, i love how sad Charlie Brown is. He just seems so helpless, he seems like he would be good friends with Eyoree. My cake is finally finished, I’m excited, I’m going to make my lunch for tommorow, Tuna sandwich, a couple of pieces of cake and i still haven’t decided what drink.

Gosh, taking regular classes this year has left me with lots of spare time, i should get a job, but thats beyond my control seeing as my dad will not let me get one. I kind of understand because I’m taking college classes and juggling high school, but I’m taking all regular in high school which makes its really easy. Sadly my senoritis took over and so I know my grades are not exactly the greatest. But I’m getting better, I am actually doing my work and trying more than i did at the beginning. I cant believe that this semester is actually almost over. This is so intense. Seven more months and I’m a high school graduate, AH i must stop before i get all sad.

Added:

just a quick sentence that will be elaborated tommorow most likely:
I do too much for people, well, for some people. I hate being a pushover sometimes.
Sometimes it bugs being too nice.